Things I am Thankful For #1

Hero

This is the most recent video of Michelle Kwan figure skating to the beautiful piece Carmima Burana.

After her last failed Olympic attempt ABC aired a completely understated and lovely four minute long tribute to Kwan that I will link below, because I can't even articulate the words necessary to describe my admiration for this woman. For me she defines artistry, she defines athleticism, she translates her heart into the tiniest motions of her fingertips and the most powerful deep edges that ride tenderly along the ice.

Ogawa Makoto/Happy Girl

This girl has bizarrely been described as everything from slightly unattractive to hideous on message boards in my fandom. Always the outlier, I find her wildly appealling. She's a strong singer, a stellar dancer, incredibly funny, and is incurably cheerful. The fact she's the most rumored lesbian in MoMusu outside of (or with) Yoshizawa (who she refers to as BOSS in her blog by the way, what in the slashy heck?) has nothing to do with it, I swear.

Morning Musume 2003 Color Guide

Appropriate Number of Sexual Deviants (Purple): Four and all allegedly involving Yoshizawa.
Appropriate Number of Bad Girls Who Will be Asked to Leave the Group (Blue): Three (Miki Fujimoto wins two honors! You go, Fujimoto!).
That Girl I Hate Sure Has Been Around Awhile (Red): One
Pretty Background Noise: The Rest

In short, 2003 was my favorite group of Morning Musume.

Watashi no Mirai no Dannasama no MY HEART<3

Damn it all to hell that I can't find a HD version of this video on youtube to make decent screencaps with. The new Berryz Koubou double side PV releases came out Sunday and while I, like everyone else, am not a Ryusei Boy fan the B side (or alternative A side?) Watashi no Mirai no Dannasama is PURE SPUN GOLD serves to remind me why, as a whole, I like Berryz Koubou a hell of a bit more than Morning Musume these days. Berryz doesn't take itself seriously. It's unpretentious camp fun every single. The girls have more personality and energy and I still am interested in anything anyone of them is doing. Demonstration of idol prowess or demonstration of my absent life: you decide!

Sugaya Risako is the image that pops into my mind whenever anyone uses the term "lolita". She has clearly perfected the art. I'm not saying that I find a fourteen year old to be attractive (I will wait until she is seventeen), but I have no doubt that she could be a serial killer or a dominatrix and no one would be any the wiser.

Dear Lee, You are so funny and sexy and kawaii~nee! I would totally love to boss you around and make you admire my Alyson Hannigan S4 Willow hair and strong jaw. Thanks for being a fan! xoxo, Natsuyaki Miyabi

Maasa Sudou is considered (not by me) to be the 'fat' girl in Berryz, which apparently makes me a chub chaser. However, those who claim that she is the 'fat' girl are normally Tanaka Reina fans, and that girl desperately needs a sandwich or perhaps an IV drip of some fluids.

Yurina Kumai or Yurina OH MY depending on how much dignity you want to lose. I'll just say that she's literally six feet tall. Her nickname is the "Tower of Berryz". Oh Yurina. Doki Doki desu ka.

Per Request of Other Idol Wota: Real Time Concert Review

If you click the embedded player I will talk to you with my VOICE, but about things you probably don't care about! Also enjoy my breathing that gets CREEPILY HEAVIER as I continue to fangirl over Ai-chan's expressions during this set.

Yoshizawa x RAINBOW Braceletzawa

Freaks and Geeks

This show was improbably one of the best series from the late nineties that no one paid attention to. It was also the only time I think Seth Rogen or That Other Guy He's Always With Jason Segel were ever really, really funny. Plus it has James Franco and Busy Phillips, both of who I will admit are Very Attractive People. Watch this clip as it will teach you valuable lessons about "having fun" (which is how my father claims I got this ear infection) and enjoy the always charming acting of Sarah Hagan (Buffy's Millie from Season 7, who's strangely also named Millie here and playing what appears to be an earlier version of the exact same character).



So I bet the fanfic for Freaks and Geeks is a lot of Franco/Segel slash that I have no desire to read, but still, why was this amazing show canceled? The fandom possibilities were endless.

...and skating news. EDIT: Sasha Cohen Withdrew WHAT A FUCKING SHOCK PFFFT.

For whatever reason Skate America is not the first event of the season this year. Instead we're treated to the event with what I feel is always at least the best camera work, Trophee Eric Bompard in Paris.

Here is the TV schedule, because I know some of you aren't at SU with me anymore to have me remind you on a daily basis when skating will happen, a shame:

NBC Sports/Universal Sports Trophee Eric Bompard Broadcast Schedule
Friday, Oct. 16 (Universal Sports) - 5-7 p.m. ET/Encore Presentation: 8-10 p.m. ET
Saturday, Oct. 17 (Universal Sports) - 5-7 p.m. ET/Encore Presentation: 10-11 p.m. ET
Sunday, Oct. 18 (NBC Sports) - 1-3 p.m. ET
Sunday, Oct. 18 (Universal Sports) - 5-7 p.m. ET

All the events look pretty yawn worthy except for Ladies, which will feature among others Americans Caroline Zhang (Tiny skater with amazing flexibility and artistry/poor speed and BAD technique on her lutz. Like Tara Lipinski awful, but she's otherwise charming) and Alexe Gilles (I've never seen her skate Senior, but I watched videos of her from Junior regionals and she seems pleasant enough).

Here is what is actually relevant to this competition:

Notice that I am not making fun of Japan's Mao Asada's slightly crossed eyes/ridiculous expression like I did all the time in college. Truly I have become a woman.

VS.

South Korea's Yu Na Kim who as far as I'm concerned has already won the 2010 Olympic gold medal in like every sport even ones she doesn't compete in. This girl is a monster.

I wish there was more depth in Ladies figure skating this year, especially it being an Olympic year, but since there's not I'll enjoy watching these two fight it out year long since, sadly and frankly, I don't see much other competition for Vancouver gold anywhere else in the field.

Here is a video of Yu Na jumping over and over and over again. Best technique since Tonya Harding and that's a damn compliment:

Nonsense pt 2.

I promise I'll post something more substancial later. For now here is more of Sayaka Akimoto and also a quick list of BIRTHDAY/CHRISTMAS possibilities for those who live overseas and have the most wonderful lesbian ex-girlfriends ever. Try finding a card that says that.



If you don't watch any of this clip, you should at least let the first six seconds play while my beautiful Sayaka tentatively yells "Daisuki! (I love you!)" at the camera, undoubtedly part of some really ridiculous teen j-drama. The expression she makes after she yells is pretty tremor inducing as well.

Hello Project Store USA opened a few weeks ago and I'm surprised that so far I haven't maxed out my credit cards and sold a kidney to buy everything in stock. This is what adulthood is about, my friends, being able to buy hundreds of dollars worth of ridiculous bullshit to feed your embarrassing fandoms.

Yoshizawa - Come Together 2008! teeshirt (It only comes in Large, but I can gain weight)
A JunJun phone charm with a disco ball on it? Why yes of course!
C-ute photo set in which everyone looks hot except Mai Hagiwara, but I can deal with that
I think I want this mini-booklet of Ongaku Gatas Most Of All.
Eri Kamei looking precious and soft

Goodbye Yoshizawa.

While Yossy remains my first love in J-pop idoling for her amazing confidence, humor, singing, looks, and general existence I must admit something that I've been thinking about for a few weeks now. Something that could change the way I feel about my purpose on this earth, perhaps the goal of my mere soul on this planet.

I present to you, my new reason to live, the girl to whom I must find and disclose my true feelings, my new idol love interest AKB48 Team K's Akimoto Sayaka:

There's such a lot of world to see.

Why anyone would specifically want to be solitary or lonely I do not understand. I'm always wanting to fall outside of myself and be able to connect with others in the way those I admire so easily seem to do. My disgust toward insincerity stands in my way. I can deliver niceities for approximately eighteen minutes before I collapse inward. I do not ever want to not mean what I say, with all feeling, but since this kind of living grows too intense even for me, I must learn to dissolve the desire to be "different" or "special" and learn to focus outward. I do not want to be lovely and frightened. I want to be lovely and strong. You encourage me to do so.

Sudo Maasa

Pictures like this are one of the reasons I love being a part of idol subculture. Also, Maasa is ridiculously beautiful and would totally be on my naughty snuggle bunny list were I to be the kind of deviant to make such tasteless things. I read a blog that once said that if the author saw her like, standing on the side of the road, he'd probably end up putting his head through a windshield whilst slamming on the brakes. That's dedication, ladies and gentlemen!

AKB48 VS Hello! Project! Faux Lesbian Fight!

So remember six years or so ago when a group called Tatu introduced us to a charming song called "All the Things She Said" that made everyone say, damn, those girls sure cashed in on that shit? Even though they turned out not really to be so much homosexual and angsty as Russian and opportunistic, the PV really had a wonderful effect in Japan that went something like, "Wait, why didn't we do that first?" Quite frankly, I'm amazed that Japan DIDN'T do that first, but they sure have done that since.

Here are AKB48 and Hello!Project examples of faux lesbian fabulousness. I suppose I should feel like this sort of media really cheapens the importance of my own very sincere sexuality, but I'm honestly too busy feeding my lover runny eggs.

First up:



GAM - Melodies

Second up:



AKB48 - Kinjirareta Futari (Forbidden Lovers)

FIGHT!

Song - Melodies is an incredibly catchy little song with a pretty mind-numbing English hook about MELODIES IN THE MEMORIES which doesn't even make any sense. If I heard it on the radio and had no idea what it was about I would probably still hum it to myself. So I give it a 8/10. Kinjirareta Futari has no real build up, no distinguishable chorus, and frankly isn't even something I'd be blogging about if it weren't about my favorite subject. 4/10

(Best) Lyrics - Melodies: "I look like I'm crying, but that's a girl's best face/There are screams,that I can't put into words/This kind of thing happens again and again" Automatic 10/10 for smut.
Kinjirareta Futari: "So, let's leave in the lake's boat/And if we get tired of rowing, sleep in my arms/Because in a dream, we love each other forever…" 15/10 (I miss you so terribly).

Video - Melodies: I mean it's Ayaya and Mikitty playing in satin sheets, dancing, feeding each other breakfast, and stroking one another's legs. I still can't believe this PV is Hello!Project. The kiss at the end of the video, however, is the most insincere thing I've ever seen. Why are their eyes open? Loses points. 6/10
Kinjirareta futari: I have no idea the names of either of these girls since I only know Team K and Team A of AKB48 and I mean really, there are 48 of them in the first place so give me a break. I wish they were actually looking at each other whilst singing, although I also wish that the girl in glasses was like, hanging out with me right now IRL. "Meganekko" is actually an entire fetish subculture in Japan. It basically means "girl who wears glasses". I will use it in a sentence: "Emily really, really loves Meganekko. Srsly, earlier she realized ever girl she's ever crushed on wears glasses, what do you think that's about? Meganekko." Anyways 3/10.

How the song plays into all of the things I hate about most lesbian media marketed toward mass culture: Melodies: This was definitely made for heterosexual men to beat off to. 0/10. Kinjirareta futari: Men probably beat off to this no matter why it was produced, however the lyrics brought tears to my eyes so I guess it has some relatibility. 0/10.

Melodies wins for overall quality, but Kinjirareta futari wins for sincerity. Emily loses for working on this ranking instead of working on her homework. She leaves you with more translated lyrics from AKB48:

The boat along the riverbank/Is tied down with rope
If we run away from here/It’ll start a trip to a faraway world
Darling, please don’t blame yourself…
Darling, please don’t cry by yourself…
Because we knew happiness/A kiss is a strong bond
It's a too peaceful pain/Where words are lost
In the last scene of memories
One day I came to this place

Lost at Sea

In about two months it will be four years since my mother's death, which is mind blowing for me to say the least. I forgot about writing this a few years ago, but apparently it's published on one of the MS Society web pages. I found a few e-mails pertaining to it today in an old e-mail account and was surprised that my writing wasn't worse than I remember. If you go to the article you can also check out an amazingly old school picture of me with blonde hair and a baby face stylishly captured on my incredibly pixel heavy webcam.

CAREGIVING, CHILDREN AND MS: A POST MORTEM REFLECTION
Emily Martineau | Garland, TX

I found my inspiration to share this story after reading a letter to the editor found in the current August issue of Inside MS. The letter, a response to a Julia Graham's article "How I cope with progressive MS", rebukes the organization for being unrealistic in its portrayal of the disease. I applaud the letter's author, Carrie Kish, along with others featured, in their efforts to demand truth in reporting and accountability in accuracy from the National MS Society and its publications.

My mother was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis in the early 1980's, approximately 5 years before I was born. Her records suggest that in the first years of her diagnoses she experienced symptoms typical to those common in other patients: double vision, numbness, loss of bladder control. Because of the lack of severity in her condition she insisted on following through with her desire to be a mother. I was born in 1985 and my mother never did produce any more children. None of these facts are incredibly important, but simply a history.

My early memories of my mother are quite frightening. By 1990 she was confined primarily to a wheelchair, although she maintained that every day she would walk up our front steps with a walker. In what I feel was a complete failure on the part of the system, she never had to take another driving test after her diagnoses and consequently was operating an unconverted van until 1995.

I understand that for many new and old MS patients, mobility is a life altering benefit. Without the use of a car (or other form of transportation) one could be confined to a small area every day with very little outside contact. However, as the disease progresses the patients reflexes almost inevitably worsen. My mother caused multiple accidents and endangered the lifes of others and myself because of her "inalienable right" to mobility. Buying a converted van was out of the question; keeping our basic insurance coverage was, at the time, a very trying struggle.

This is where my story becomes less linear and more abstract. Sometimes it's easy to pinpoint a downfall: A lost job, a divorce, a fire, a death. Sometimes it's not. In the case of my mother's Multiple Sclerosis life seemed to become a downward spiral that occasionally plateaued to a horizontal line. There were a few major turning points in my relationship with my mother, and more accurately, MS. I clearly remember waking up one more in the room I shared with her and hearing her crying in the bathroom. She had fallen and cracked her head open on the bathtub. It's hard for me to imagine now what she was doing near the bathtub; in the last 15 years of her diagnoses she bathed only by washcloth. I believe I was about 8 years old. She laid on the ground and cried and I could not figure out how to lift her back into her chair. Her legs were dead weight and her upper arm strength was only average. I also did not know what I would do to stop the bleeding from her head. I could not call anyone for help because my father was in another state, trying to find work. I could not call an ambulance or the paramedics because we were unable to afford such a service. Our insurance payments (in the last year we were insured, 1997) were already over $2,000 a quarter and our coverage actually covered very little.

After considering all of these things I took a blanket off of my bed and pressed it to the wound. The blood eventually stopped and I devised an elaborate system of books that, when stacked, would provide some type of leverage system to boost her back into her chair. I had become quite inventive when it came to using household objects as caregiving tools. When a paramedic asked questions years later I denied knowledge of the event. I had also become quite adept at lying.

Clearly now, I realize that my mother was incredibly negligent. I will use negligent instead of abusive as the adjective of choice not because I feel that some of her actions did not qualify as abuse, but because her actions could only be viewed in the context of her MS. While the MS Society and multiple patient message boards advocate for use of children as "helpers" (a gentler word for caregivers), I have spent most of my short adult life attempting to shed some light on the real roles of some children faced with the disease.

The child "helper" seen in MS Society publications, including, I might add, the faces of their yearly teen scholarship winners, is often the child of a newly diagnosed. Problems include: "Sometimes I have to do the dishes for mom", "Sometimes I can't go out with my friends", "Sometimes we argue". While this may account for many children who experience a parent with the disease, there are those of who experience a parent's Multiple Sclerosis on a completely different level of existence. The parent's disease becomes a very dark secret for the child, not because it isn't apparent that the adult is very sick or limited in mobility, but because the child is, frankly, being neglected.

All children are often accostumed to having household responsibilities ranging from making dinner to feeding the goldfish. Depending on a number of familial factors, these responsibilities may be very light or very time consuming. For the children of adults with advanced or progressive MS that I refer to, the nature of these responibilities changes from communal organization (ie. "You will make dinner for the family because I cannot") to a complete reversal of adult-child roles. In my own childhood, I often hid the true condition of my life to teachers and other adults in a kind of defense of my mother. Her actions became very much like a little child's. She was irresponsible. I was often abandoned or forgotten about at the grocery store, school and in one instance on the side of the interstate freeway after she decided that she "should not have had children". Other times she forgot to feed me or arrange any source of food to our home. I quickly learnt to always try to go home from school with a friend to insure one meal a day. School provided lunch, I was thin as a child, but never malnourished.

An aspect of MS mentioned by the society, but rarely accurately portrayed is mental health. As her disease worsened, my mother became increasingly depressed. This depression was not simply a sad feeling or a loneliness, but a often violent and and occasionally suicidal desperation. She threw horrible fits inside the privacy of our home. She clung to me as her only ally in her battle against the diagnoses. If she was going to die, she once told me, she would have to kill me as well so that I could take care of her.

I was contacted by child protective and adult protective services when I was 13. In actuality I came home from school one day and my mother was gone and my father was gone so I spent the afternoon at a friend's eating and laughing and watching TV. I had no idea what was going on, but I knew that without a car or a contact number there was very little I could do about it. My father returned late that evening. My mother had been placed into a hospital by the orders of adult protective services. Her bedsores were very large and she needed immediate medical attention. Our house was condemned as unfit to live in and my mother was labeled unfit by the child protective services officer. I lived with a friend for a year while a whirlwind of activity spun around our family. Suddenly the government was giving us hospital beds, therapists, nurses, catheters, bedpans, home health care aids. After a year these services were terminated, because of the expense. However we were able to keep a home health care aid. My mother had become fully bedridden during this time. I promptly developed an addiction to stimulants and was expelled from high school at 16.

Obviously, other things happened since that moment, but that isn't the point of my reflection. The title of this category is "Facing MS With Knowledge". The only real knowledge I can depart on you from this story with all certainty is this: A story with MS as the main character can either be very long or very short, but there are always three basic acts. In the first act, friends and family are very concerned by your new diagnoses. You will pay for the best care and live beyond your means. New advances in medicine and mobility will be of great interest to you. In the third act you will find some peace with you or your family member's Multiple Sclerosis. I do not mean you will accept death (I am assuming MS is the main character of your story, as it was for mine, and not an aside or a stumbling villian. For myself, my mother and MS are intwined by mind and heart and nerve, even, today, a mere 7 months after her death). You will however feel a flood of sympathy from others, the world will turn. You will trace your surroundings with all of your senses and you will find your setting changed.

The most important part of the story, and the part I hope to impart on you is the second act. This is the boring part of the play. Your family and friends have forgotten about your diagnoses, although they know it when they see you. Your Multiple Sclerosis is a more familar part of your life than an old lamp. You aren't particularly terrfied or concerned about it anymore, but you've realized that MS is not smiling people at a convention on th cover of a magazine, it's about the day to day. People sometimes judge your methods, mostly those without MS or the newly diagnosed. Why don't you use the internet to talk with others who have MS? You think that obviously these people still have their money and their naivety. Why would you need to talk to anyone? You, you of all people, you understand this disease. You've done more than just struggled to button your shirt. Maybe you've shit your pants because your bowels couldn't make it in time. Maybe you've felt like hitting your patient because you can't remember what your life looked like before he was diagnosed. Maybe you've laughed and said, "Fuck it, stay home from school today and lets watch TV", because you know, you really know that sometimes you have to go against the grain to live two lives. The life where you have or are affected by Multiple Sclerosis and the life where you are Responsible Citizen, respecting education, capitalism and traffic laws.

You need to be heard. I guess that's what I want to tell you. You'll either do it now in Act 2, or you'll do it after Act 3. I suppose it's fine if the only way you talk is with disdain toward the newly diagnosed, or maybe fondness because you remember how sometimes excitement and fear are closely correlated when you embark toward something large and menacing. You must communicate, because this is the time that you will not want to.

It is the stories from people simply working through these days that are missing from the written, personal history of Multiple Sclerosis. The National Multiple Sclerosis Society would do well to acknowledge these individuals for the benefit of all those newly living, currently living and no longer living with MS.

http://www.faceofms.org/browse.php?mode=theme&page=34&cat=3

Child's Play by Alice Munro

"Grown up women do the same sort of thing that Charlene and I did. Not the counting the moles on each other's backs and comparing toe nail lengths, maybe. But when they meet and feel a particular sympathy with each other they also feel a need to set out the important information, the big events whether public or secret, and then go ahead to fill in all the blanks between. If they feel this warmth and eagerness it is quite impossible for them to bore each other. They will laugh at the very triviality and silliness of what they're telling, or at the revelation of some appalling selfishness, deception, meanness, sheer badness. There has to be great trust, of course, but that trust can be established at once, in an instant."

Morning Musume Kimagure Princess PV Release.

This PV is already getting alot of discussion (or at least the bandwagon for this song is big enough to warrant 133 comments on Hello! Online in the first three hours of the video going online), but I honestly hate it and I feel really badly that I do considering how excited I am/was about the song. I hope Happy!Style is never called upon to cover it. I would feel embarrassed doing the dance. Not because it's silly, but because I think most of it is way too sexy and not the direction I like to see Momusu go in. All of the girls look exactly alike, there are no longer any distinguishing features or characteristics to make me care about any of them individually. The background still looks like a cheaper version of Angel's mansion in S3 of Buffy. The closeup shots are beautiful, but so what? So Morning Musume is Japan's first all Real Girl pop group?

I suppose this video is not the kind that should make me embarrassed to be a J-pop fan because it is so comparitively normal to Western culture vomit, but it does:

New Sounds!

The great thing about Hello!Pro is that considering there are about 7 or 8 active groups at all times made up of never tiring robotgirls, there is also a new song out by some group or another every two or three weeks for me to play repeatedly until everyone around me is so sick of it that they want to re-nig our friendship. Sorry about the poor grammar.

WELL HERE'S THAT SHIT FOR THIS WEEK!



Loves: Best dancing I've ever seen in a Hello!Project video, Yajima Maimi's thighs, the gangsta ass hats, Capt. Saki Shimizu and MAEDA YUUKA who is an unfortunate twelve years old in this video. The translation of the song and the fact that that chorus is "Lonely Lonely Lonely Gimme Love Gimme Love GIMME" Hates: Not only is Tanaka Reina center in this, but she has her hair in really stupid pigtails that make me hate her more. I mean I will eventually write a post about how much I hate this girl, it doesn't even make sense nor is it logical.



Loves: This is my new favorite group in Hello!Project, especially because it has Ogawa Saki, Fukada Kanon, and Maeda Yuuka, my favorite Hello!Pro Eggs (aka girls that are TOO YOUNG). The song is hyper cute and it appears that the "best date" they end up going on is one with the four of them in a carriage behind fake horses. Hates: Having this video on my PC may get me in trouble if my harddrive is ever confiscated. "Dawa" or whatever the fourth girl's name is doesn't really do anything for me.

Video Game Music Win

So I haven't blogged anything about video games so far, which is sort of weird considering I've been spending many early morning hours lately cradling my PS2 controller as though it were about to get me off. Actually, that's why I always keep the rumble feature ON and also why my shit is cordless.

Back in the day, my boyfriend of the time used to talk a great big goddamn deal about video game music, which I mostly ignored whilst he sent me dozens of MP3 files of like, mono recordings of Sonic themes. But now that I'm older and much more socially retarded, I've started making my own lists of music that I think is damn good, or at least good enough to encourage me to play a level repeatedly. This list is LITTLE though, because of all of my geekdoms (music, video games, graphic novels/comics, idols, anime, books, sci-fi, fantasy, academic shit, oh my God why is this list so long already) I probably spend the least amount of time on video games. Since I seem to be no closer to having time for a regular lady-friend, this list might expand dramatically in the coming months!

In no particular order:

Setsuka's Theme from Soul Calibur 3
Angel Rain from We Love Katamari
Tails Theme from Sonic Adventure 2
Simple and Clean Planetb Remix from Kingdom Hearts
Everlasting Love from We Love Katamari (I was banned from playing levels that included this song while living with my last roommate, because I may have abused the system and was about to receive a bat to the skull for once playing one particular level with this song THIRTY times in a row. I wonder why we don't talk anymore?)
Ice Cap Zone 1 from Sonic 3
The Story Board Music from Yoshi's Island (A possible great trigger song for use by the military?)
The Sound of Not Going to Class AKA Legend of Zelda Theme
Tetris Attacks AKA The Sound of Me Kicking Your Ass


and most importantly:
If I ever got married I would not be embarrassed to walk down the aisle to SWEET SWEET DREAM from Sonic 2, like the completely mono version here. In fact, if the person I was marrying was okay with this she would probably be the coolest person ever (or we would both be robots HURRAY!). But if it was the remixed version featuring Akon for Sonic the Hedgehog 2005, not so much.

The Girl Who Leapt Through Time

I'll sear the days that I spend with you into my chest  
So that I'll be all right even if I don't recall them
Even if I were to fall in love with someone else, someday  
You'd always be special and important to me  
And this season would come around again  
Within the endless time, the fact that I was able to meet you  
Made me stronger than anything else
Even if I were to make a desperate run for tomorrow 
You'd always be special and important to me  
And this season would come about again 


Here are some pieces of things I'm reading right now:

• Ellen Gilchrist, "Nineteen Forty One":

"Get your jodhpurs on, honey," her father said. He was sitting on the gate. 
"Mr.Trumbo is bringing his little girl over here to ride."  

"I can't," she said. "I'm menstruating."

"Oh, my God," he said, and climbed down off the fence, hoping to get to her before she said it again and the boys heard it. "ARIANE," he screamed toward the house. "ARRIIIIIANNNEEE, get out here and get this child. Who told you that?" he demanded, taking her by the arm. "Who told you a thing like that?" His face was as red as the sun. Rhoda's mother came running out of the house and across the yard and swooped her up. "Where does she learn those things?" he was saying. "Who told her that? Who told her such a thing?"

"Sherry Nettleship's Aunt told us all about it," Rhoda said. "You can't ever go swimming and blood runs down your legs. And you can't ride horses or anything like that. I've been doing it all morning. There's blood all over the sidewalk. Go look for yourself." It was an inspiration. Actually, Rhoda had spilled red Kool-Aid while she was making fire. That was what had drawn the ants. "You can die if you aren't careful," she continued. "Anything can happen when you menstruate."

• Neil Gaiman, "One Life, Furnished in Early Moorcock"
  

It was six months later. Richard had been bar mitzvahed and would be changing schools soon. He and J.B.C. MacBride were sitting on the grass outside the school in the early evening, reading books. Richard's parents were late picking him up from school. Richard was reading The English Assassin. MacBride was engrossed in The Devil Rides Out. Richard found himself squinting at the page. It wasn't properly dark yet, but he couldn't read anymore. Everything was turning into grays.

"Mac? What do you want to be when you grow up?"

The evening was warm, and the grass was dry and comfortable.

"I don't know. A writer, maybe. Like Michael Moorcock. Or T.H. White. How about you?"

Richard sat and thought. The sky was a violet-gray, and a ghost moon hung high in it, like a sliver of a dream. He pulled up a blade of grass and slowly shredded it between his fingers, bit by bit. He couldn't say "A writer" as well now. It would seem like he was copying. And he didn't want to be a writer. Not really. There were other things to be.

"When I grow up," he said, pensively, eventually, "I want to be a wolf."

"It'll never happen," said MacBride.

"Maybe not," said Richard. "We'll see."

The lights went on in the school windows, one by one, making the violet sky seem darker than it was before, and the summer evening was gentle and quiet. At that time of year, the day lasts forever, and the night never really comes.

"I'd like to be a wolf. Not all the time. Just sometimes. In the dark. I would run through the forests as a wolf at night," said Richard, mostly to himself. "I'd never hurt anyone. Not that kind of wolf. I'd just run and run forever in the moonlight, through the trees, and never get tired or out of breath, and never have to stop. That's what I want to be when I grow up ..."

He pulled up another long stalk of grass, expertly stripped the blades from it, and slowly began to chew the stem and the two children sat alone in the gray twilight, side by side, and waited for the future to start.

• Love Letter by Otsu Hiyori

The Most Sullen Girl in J-Pop...

...is surprisingly not me. It's Tomomi Hirano, most recent addition to Hello! Project Egg. Only a few pictures of this girl exist for promotion right now and all we know is that she's 25 and a graduate student (SOUND ALMOST FAMILIAR?). She looks about as happy as most graduate students I know.

(Thanks for Introducing Me to Nellie McKay!)

First to find the Most Baffling Shit Ever in this clip from The View wins.

What The Fuck Sunday or "Subtext is my Life pt 2"

Kimagure Princess PV Preview

Goddamnit, Morning Musume. God-fucking-damnit. You finally put out a song that I really, really like for the first time in over a year (see: two pages ago) and now the preview for the video comes out and it's so fucking disappointing that it makes me want to throw myself down a well whilst holding onto all of my Momusu merchandise. Apparently these are the new elements of Morning Musume: black fucking cowboy hats, ass shots (this is okay), a stupid wave your arms fucking dance, all black backgrounds that look like Angel's mansion from S3 of Buffy. There better be an entire other video attached to this one that is the ACTUAL music video or I'll never forgive you.

New BUONO! EDIT EDIT.

First impressions: In the white outfits do they have SCRUNCHIES on their wrists? I'm glad Airi is center for once, she has such a beautiful voice, as overused as she is in every C-ute single. Also, as she matures she becomes increasingly less bobble-headed. Momoko doesn't really seem to mature as much as Airi in this video, but I suppose because she is the oldest of the girls her genki, crazy personality is already the most developed. Miyabi has always seemed older than the other two girls and her new light red hair is so becoming! I want to style my sort of similar haircut in the big curled look she's wearing in the "rock" clothing.

ALSO: The band behind them in the "rock" segments is yes, actually their backing band for concerts. It's the first time they've been featured in a video and I'm pretty proud that Hello Project actually has one video now with actual musicians in it.

ALSO: Cheerleading! Are those H!P Eggs in the background dancing?

EDIT: This is actually sort of disturbing, when I first got into H!P Airi and Miyabi looked like this and were in a unit called Aa! with My Least Favorite Member Ever Who I Violently Dislike Tanaka Reina:



Is this sort of what it's like when you realize your friend's little bro or sis has grown up to be super hot and then you feel like a pervert, because you remember them as a kid? EDIT: OH WAIT AIRI'S STILL ONLY FIFTEEN SO SHE MIGHT STILL BE A KID.

EDIT: EVEN THOUGH SHE SINGS THAT SHE ISN'T.

Suki Na Senpai.

The line actually translates to "I'd be so embarrassed I'd die".

Now that you have that, let me say that it's not easy for me to express affection. The things I write to myself, or things I said when I cried, or things I whispered under my breath did not count as proclaimations of love since only I experienced them. I fantasize about meeting a telepath. More happy at the idea of being able to say things without having to say them than worried about my diabolical schemes being revealed. Writing things down and giving them away is even worse, because it feels so trite and meaningless when we did not create this language or its boundaries. Good writing is that which has no translation, it is the base description and cannot be further simplified. My writing isn't sophisticated enough. I apologize. If I said it all I'd be at your mercy, and it's my pride.

There is a difference between "most people" and those who I find compelling. While I find that "most people" are attracted to arbitrary things for their apparent qualities, others are attracted to arbitrary things for their potential qualities.

My mind fixates on quiet gestures that I can't even translate. How her hand stops on her throat or the section in one of my favorite figure skating performances the skater slowly holds out his hands as the music swells almost like it's too much to even experience.

I want to create and experience beauty all around me. I want every touch and taste and smell and sound and sight to cause me to sigh and tremble. I mostly experience the world around me in this way, although I don't express it. Today I saw a lizard and it looked so green, like when sping comes. I could see its little bumpy pores and its red mouth like it had eaten red hot candies.

I get stuck on couplets from narcissists and lines from sugary songs with subtitles.

"learned her mouth on a valentine"
"and I knew the solitude of hearts"
"am I a beauty today, senpai?"
"we can finally show our true feelings, forget all our troubles (bye bye!)"
"loneliness or should we say something more?"
"oh life is wonderful! lets find a road that leads back to each other"
"your kindness is really criminal you know, I mean it really kills any resolution I have"
"turn off the television and look at me and only me"

Geekdom EDIT.

So Topless Robot came out with this article the other day: Most Shameful Nerd Argument Awards for those men or women who have say, pushed a naked girlfriend out of the way to play Bomberman, ended a friendship over whether or not Twin Peaks DVDs were returned without damage, or perhaps had a lively discussion concerning whether or not Tara/Willow should be appropriated outside lesbian culture almost endangering their sweet, sweet romance. I'm sorry, baby!

Basically if the thought of any of this shit makes sense to you you should read the award winners. I thought I was the only one who had ever made someone else cry about whether a book or a movie was more canon than the other, I was wrong.

Also, one time I actually spent an hour reading a Spider-man movie x Star Trek TNG/Voyager crossover fanfiction. The Buffy/ST: Voyager crossover I read was less appealing.

Spike and Angel Making Out.

New HANGRY&ANGRY Pictures FINALLY.

Rika Ishikawa is my beautiful loligoth princess.

Yossy makes me eat my fucking words and flog myself with some barbed wire for EVER saying that I was finding her less attractive. This is (still) the most beautiful girl I've ever seen in my life. I cannot fangirl hard enough for her. Seriously, normal people don't even understand how I feel about her in this picture, because it's probably not healthy and I don't even mean gay.

The only reason to care anymore part 2.

Li Chun aka Jun Jun is a Chinese idol who joined the Japanese pop group Morning Musume in 2007. Despite the fact they gave her "Fountain Hair" and culture vomit fashions she is still totally cute and squishy. She is also one of three members who actually sounds like a grown woman when she sings.



I like to listen to her sing Ambitious!

Unpopular Opinions! OH NO!

The Beatles are the most overrated band of all time.

People who are really into pirates are normally also not funny.

White, college educated feminists who spend alot of time defending Family Guy, because it's a part of college culture, whilst berating others for liking hiphop/porn/16 year old girls are typically the reason I avoided most other Feminist Studies majors while I was a student.

Medical care is often invasive and uncomfortable, but for your safety you should hold still and consider your readjusting your own anxiety level.

Certain fandoms have more embarrassing fans than others. Jpop fans are some of the worst.

I would eat a dog if it tasted like bacon.

Sarcasm and irony are usually only funny in very small, clever amounts.

The actions of Israel are a justifiable reason for Islamic fundamentalism, although Islamic fundamentalism is not justifiable.

Dane Cook has never been funny.

Hanging out with couples is awkward for everyone who is not in the relationship.

If you use the term "over-dramatic", I will note it.

Enjoying shallow things is not necessarily part of being a shallow person. It just means you have varied interests.

When you're out with a group of friends, pretend you're happy even if you are not, eventually you will be.

Being medicated every day for the rest of your life really is a better alternative to being horribly depressed and anxious.

A dog is not a baby.

You should fill in your eyebrows with shadow if you're going to pluck them, otherwise they'll be too light.

Arts and Crafts and Courtesans

So I've been very slowly working on Deco-den'ing my phone in the last week or so. Tonight I actually finished up the backplate, but I can't find my camera cable to upload pictures. For those unfamiliar with the term it involves taking totally normal objects, like your celly or maybe a compact and gluing shit all over it. Mine is turning out similar to the one above except with little pastel pearls, pink rhinestone hearts, and a giant Hello Kitty bow.

Here are other things catching my fancy this evening:

Jewelry made out of resin, especially these little heart earrings.

Bug collections.

The First Edition of Advanced Dungeons and Dragons Random Harlot Table (The doxy at work is $20):

Ruby Rocket, an American cosplayer who Lee linked me to. Can you fangirl a fangirl?

She's gets two mentions, because look at her as Phoenix:

DINNER WITH ABORTIONISTS!

IT'S LIKE LOOKING IN A GODDAMN MIRROR.

Plan To Fix Hello!Project

Step One: Take S/mileage, Enjoy Ogawa Saki's stoned glare. Realize that everyone is really way too young.









Step Two: Add Kikkawa Yuu who makes me have discussions with myself about how old seventeen "is".











Step Three: Kitahara Sayaka who is going to age into being the Next Yoshizawa Hitomi, but has no idea yet, because she's like, a neonate.

Step Four: I made this.

Step Five: Replace this current Morning Musume lineup with the above mentioned H!P Eggs.

Step Six: Blog your opinions about the new lineup on the internet, where you can find people to whom shit like this is even relevant.

YoMako.

This was actually my first ever Hello!Project ship back when I entered the fandom (and I only have one other pairing I enjoy, perverts). I sort of forgot about them until this brand new picture showed up on Hello!Online yesterday. Although Yossy and Makoto are my most favorite members of Momusu ever and I do love to think of them doing gay things together, I have to say that both are TOO DAMN THIN. Also, I miss soft butch Yossy.

Here is a comparison of AW YEAH and TOO DAMN THIN as seen through the years, to show that a restrictive diet really can ruin my enjoyment of any amount of hot:

This picture actually scrambles my brain and renders me unable to function.

Shattered pelvis warning.

Thin.



Coughing up blood between songs, I'd gather.