Friday, October 2, 2009

Suki Na Senpai.

The line actually translates to "I'd be so embarrassed I'd die".

Now that you have that, let me say that it's not easy for me to express affection. The things I write to myself, or things I said when I cried, or things I whispered under my breath did not count as proclaimations of love since only I experienced them. I fantasize about meeting a telepath. More happy at the idea of being able to say things without having to say them than worried about my diabolical schemes being revealed. Writing things down and giving them away is even worse, because it feels so trite and meaningless when we did not create this language or its boundaries. Good writing is that which has no translation, it is the base description and cannot be further simplified. My writing isn't sophisticated enough. I apologize. If I said it all I'd be at your mercy, and it's my pride.

There is a difference between "most people" and those who I find compelling. While I find that "most people" are attracted to arbitrary things for their apparent qualities, others are attracted to arbitrary things for their potential qualities.

My mind fixates on quiet gestures that I can't even translate. How her hand stops on her throat or the section in one of my favorite figure skating performances the skater slowly holds out his hands as the music swells almost like it's too much to even experience.

I want to create and experience beauty all around me. I want every touch and taste and smell and sound and sight to cause me to sigh and tremble. I mostly experience the world around me in this way, although I don't express it. Today I saw a lizard and it looked so green, like when sping comes. I could see its little bumpy pores and its red mouth like it had eaten red hot candies.

I get stuck on couplets from narcissists and lines from sugary songs with subtitles.

"learned her mouth on a valentine"
"and I knew the solitude of hearts"
"am I a beauty today, senpai?"
"we can finally show our true feelings, forget all our troubles (bye bye!)"
"loneliness or should we say something more?"
"oh life is wonderful! lets find a road that leads back to each other"
"your kindness is really criminal you know, I mean it really kills any resolution I have"
"turn off the television and look at me and only me"

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