Thursday, August 20, 2009

New Plans

A lot of new and exciting things have been happening for me in the last couple of months that might be of some interest to those excited about helping people, abortion (helping people), or Japanese moonspeak (possibly helping people).

I decided that I would go back to school in the evenings and part time after gaining acceptance to Texas A&M Commerce for the Masters in Social Work program. I absolutely love my job and do not want to leave the fast paced and glamourous world of abortion any time soon, but I have never been modest about the fact that as an adult I would like to be financially stable. For me financial stability means not owing a car payment, a student loan, a credit card bill, and being able to spend money on things I would like without wondering when I'll fall back into hardscrabble poverty. I feel like I've done too much with my life already and spent too long out of falling on hard times to rehash the past. I even feel silly sometimes when I bring it up, because how can I complain about what was then when now I have so much more than so many of my friends, people who I know, quite frankly, worked harder than me in college and deserve more recognition for their talents? This isn't a call for compliments, because I know that I have talent too and that I have been a hard worker in my own regard. Mostly I'm just pointing out, maybe only to myself, that for the last year and a half I've been a woman who pays the bills on time, gets her nails done and visits the gym, shops at the bougesois super market and hasn't had to work in retail or dining. I'm a professional. I'm not hard up or hard luck anymore. I may even be middle class.

I've been thinking some about dreams, careers, and realities with this decision. My dream would be to find a way to express myself and the things I need to say. Also, I suppose I would like to be paid for this endeavor. My career is to help people make decisions, so in a way I think that I help others express the ideas that they can't say, or don't know how to word. Even though this action occasionally brings up internal conversations about care, feminism, responsibility and the like, I still feel like I'm missing the outlet for classifying my own desires. In academia this outlet existed in some form, even if it wasn't a form that I could expend much energy on, but with my job, as wonderful as it is, the sorority of my coworkers is what largely helps me define what it is I want from this life.

My reality is that even though I'm excited about going back to school and learning new things, I'm going to get this degree in order to make more money. Point blank. I think there are alot of great things I can learn about counseling and systems and oppression from this degree and it will feel nice to have something to strive for again, but if I didn't know that with an MSW I can continue to pursue my work with the community I wouldn't be signing up for another three year tour. As for expressing the things I need to define and share, I don't know that I will ever see that as a career option. Writing is my strongest outlet and I know I'm no artist, but I also hate the process of writing. I prefer talking it out. Interrupting and questioning until I think I may have hit some nail on the head. But I think that if I have more money from my day job and can work less hours because of it, I can spend more time trying to create meaning, or at least figure out what the fuck this sound is in my head or how these compulsions in my heart are real or imagined. By the time it's over I might know whether or not I'm restless because I'm young, or if I'm simply restless.

On a much less serious note: I auditioned for a Japanese pop cover group and amazingly was chosen as a 4th generation member. My debut performance is in Ok City at an anime convention in October. I'm excited about getting to perform again. I haven't since I was in figure skating. We'll be performing Berryz Koubou's Dakishimete Dakishimete for our large stage and it will be a live sing. No, I haven't learned to sing. Supposedly someone will coach me on this when we start rehearsing.

I think autotune is popular in Japan too.

When there is merchandise I will post it here.

Until then here is this:

It's a fairly simple message that is probably pretty childish in the context of this song, but if I had to have a theme for 2009 it would probably be that.