So remember six years or so ago when a group called Tatu introduced us to a charming song called "All the Things She Said" that made everyone say, damn, those girls sure cashed in on that shit? Even though they turned out not really to be so much homosexual and angsty as Russian and opportunistic, the PV really had a wonderful effect in Japan that went something like, "Wait, why didn't we do that first?" Quite frankly, I'm amazed that Japan DIDN'T do that first, but they sure have done that since.
Here are AKB48 and Hello!Project examples of faux lesbian fabulousness. I suppose I should feel like this sort of media really cheapens the importance of my own very sincere sexuality, but I'm honestly too busy feeding my lover runny eggs.
First up:
GAM - Melodies
Second up:
AKB48 - Kinjirareta Futari (Forbidden Lovers)
FIGHT!
Song - Melodies is an incredibly catchy little song with a pretty mind-numbing English hook about MELODIES IN THE MEMORIES which doesn't even make any sense. If I heard it on the radio and had no idea what it was about I would probably still hum it to myself. So I give it a 8/10. Kinjirareta Futari has no real build up, no distinguishable chorus, and frankly isn't even something I'd be blogging about if it weren't about my favorite subject. 4/10
(Best) Lyrics - Melodies: "I look like I'm crying, but that's a girl's best face/There are screams,that I can't put into words/This kind of thing happens again and again" Automatic 10/10 for smut.
Kinjirareta Futari: "So, let's leave in the lake's boat/And if we get tired of rowing, sleep in my arms/Because in a dream, we love each other forever…" 15/10 (I miss you so terribly).
Video - Melodies: I mean it's Ayaya and Mikitty playing in satin sheets, dancing, feeding each other breakfast, and stroking one another's legs. I still can't believe this PV is Hello!Project. The kiss at the end of the video, however, is the most insincere thing I've ever seen. Why are their eyes open? Loses points. 6/10
Kinjirareta futari: I have no idea the names of either of these girls since I only know Team K and Team A of AKB48 and I mean really, there are 48 of them in the first place so give me a break. I wish they were actually looking at each other whilst singing, although I also wish that the girl in glasses was like, hanging out with me right now IRL. "Meganekko" is actually an entire fetish subculture in Japan. It basically means "girl who wears glasses". I will use it in a sentence: "Emily really, really loves Meganekko. Srsly, earlier she realized ever girl she's ever crushed on wears glasses, what do you think that's about? Meganekko." Anyways 3/10.
How the song plays into all of the things I hate about most lesbian media marketed toward mass culture: Melodies: This was definitely made for heterosexual men to beat off to. 0/10. Kinjirareta futari: Men probably beat off to this no matter why it was produced, however the lyrics brought tears to my eyes so I guess it has some relatibility. 0/10.
Melodies wins for overall quality, but Kinjirareta futari wins for sincerity. Emily loses for working on this ranking instead of working on her homework. She leaves you with more translated lyrics from AKB48:
The boat along the riverbank/Is tied down with rope
If we run away from here/It’ll start a trip to a faraway world
Darling, please don’t blame yourself…
Darling, please don’t cry by yourself…
Because we knew happiness/A kiss is a strong bond
It's a too peaceful pain/Where words are lost
In the last scene of memories
One day I came to this place
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