Disclaimer: This post contains no references to Japanese girls!
So for the past few months I've been seeing this girl and I suppose we tried to fall for eachother for a minute until she decided that she wasn't ready for a relationship. I won't delve into all of the fallacies in this logic, or the fact she still texts me sweet things on occassion, but no longer kisses me in bed. Regretably, I think she doesn't even consider me a close friend, which is fine, because we have very different lifestyles and besides I'm not in love either. It's also disheartening, because I'm eternally a doe-eyed lolita when I think about falling in love and I was hoping she'd notice that butterflies follow me or smile when I get so excited while speaking quickly that I stutter alittle. I'm pretty sure she thinks I talk too much, which is true. I have a lot to say. She couldn't show me what she has to say, so clearly the conversation has to be one sided.
But this isn't about any of that. This is about what she said to me on the phone tonight. We were talking about work and she suddenly said, "I could never do what you do", but not in the way people sometimes say it when they are showing appreciation or are even surprised. She said it like one might say that they could never clean a sewer for a living. "You couldn't pay me enough to do it, you could pay me thousands of dollars and you couldn't pay me enough".
I've thought about this dilemma before, it's difficult enough to date, especially when you've already narrowed down your demographic to women. What's even more difficult is the realization that although many lesbians are pro-choice, when it comes down to it, talking about abortion and dating someone who is intimately involved with the process of abortion are two very different fish to fry.
When I first realized a couple of months ago that perhaps this woman was not entirely comfortable with my occupation I immediately asked my coworkers. What do you do? How do you do this and find someone who will love you? "They get used to it, they don't want to talk about it, but they get used to it" "Don't give them all of the details at first". The best and probably most resonating advice I received was from a coworker who said, "I came to the realization that he can appreciate my job, but it will never mean to him what it means to me."
With all of this being said I suppose I will be single for a while. Which is fine, for once in my adult life I've been excited at the prospect these last few months. But, I can't imagine being able to share my life with someone who doesn't at least attempt to comprehend the incredible variance of emotion the clinic inspires in me on a daily basis. I can complain about patients who are rude, feel exasperated at the 30 year old who is at my clinic yet again, feel motherly toward a young girl who wants to just continue to play volleyball in school, cry with a woman who is frightened and reminds me of all of my friends, laugh with the lady who makes jokes during counseling, and carry a deep sense of satisfaction when I feel that another and I have finally found a point of clarity. When she looks at me and I can tell that she is at peace with her decision, whatever it may be.
It was a good thing that this woman slightly offended me with her words this evening. I occassionally take my job as a job and it's humbling to be reminded of why I stay.