My Saddest Bastard Award.

So this is a pretty far cry from my earlier post expanding upon the joys of learning girlposes to a techno beat, but I named this blog with the intent to write about feminism and my political concerns as well as to ogle underage succubi. I swear eventually I'll write about them together, because I have all sorts of horrible thoughts about white privilege, exoticizing women of other races, disinfranchising images and how I'm enjoying all three.

This isn't really about that though, although it'd be cool if I could figure out how incorporate J-pop into a post about my early adult angst and my rage against the machine. If I think of a way I'll try to get it in here.

I've rewritten this paragraph five times now, because I don't know how to just get to the point or exactly what I'm trying to say: I got into an argument with my Dad (who I live with) tonight about our political differences and what I feel is an escalating amount of psychological and verbal violence in public discourse. It was my fault we argued (I instigated) and I've already apologized and gone to bed. This really wouldn't be so bad or different if not for the fact that I've spent an unhealthy amount of time lately thinking about my own personal responsibility in our relationship and what I might feel when he is no longer in my life.

You can walk away from a fight. You can leave the room when things get rough. You don't have to cry or fuss, you can just keep your opinion to yourself.

And yet, I wonder how many of these truisms are ingrained in my psyche as a result of being a woman in an incredibly patriarchal household.

As I've gotten older and especially in the last six months I feel like I've really started to show some control over my emotions. Prior to these efforts I never even realized that I had a problem, nor did I ever make any effort to censor anything I was feeling, thinking, or saying. It's definitely been a positive, most notably professionally, that I've made these leeways in improving my "outlook".

But sometimes it's horrible and maybe this is just the human condition.

in the doorway of my demise I stand, encased in the whisper you've taught me

I used to get really all strung up about this Bikini Kill lyric when I was 15, and the fact I've now italicized it in my blog is enough reason for you to stop reading here if you want to. Story is that I wrote it down over and over a lot in notebooks and on my messenger bag or whatever the fuck I was doing back then and it made me feel pretty goddamn prolific to think about. Back then I was pretty angry about everything, which was stupid, but I also dedicated alot of time to writing about my thoughts and advocating what I believed in, which wasn't. I feel a bit washed up telling co-workers about my old endeavors, like working for Feminist Majority Foundation or hosting a website for discussion about gender when I was 16. Simply put, I was involved.

Part of growing up is being a littler fish in a bigger pond.

Part of learning to control your emotions is learning to be happy with what you have.

Don't worry about the little things.

It's true that I'm a happier person now that I'm in the process of learning to pick my battles, to overlook some discrepancies. I also wonder what I've lost though. Ultimately it's worth not fighting with my father; when he leaves my life I will also be completely alone here. By here I mean, in existence.

Here's another one:

Guilt is a powerful motivator.

Stuff I Will Do In Public.

Here are the dance shots of the four songs I will be performing in OKC in October. Not surprisingly, I'm actually more concerned about learning these moves than I am about my graduate school midterms, my credit card debt, or the fact that I just ate three chalupas for my afternoon snack.



Morning Musume - Shouganai Yume Oibito. The song itself bores me to death even though from what I understand it's about a "Hopeless Dream Chaser" and "tears falling on your shirts as [I] iron them". Sounds almost like feminist fun! Except that the end message is "stick it out" instead of "overthrow your patriarchal relationship". The costumes are beautiful and easy to dance in so of course we won't be wearing them. The dance isn't bad, it mostly seems to involve pointing, a chicken flap and let me also point out that at 1:04 you get to put your arms around a girl and shimmy around her ribcage. Considering I'm taller than almost everyone involved in my group I guarantee I'll be doing the feeling up during that move.




Morning Musume - Nanchatte Renai. Why the hell are all Morning Musume's new singles so goddamn depressing? Best Line: "Replacing you would be as easy as buying a new TV set". I've already said that the costumes look nice, if not not breathable. I love the dance. I'm already singing SHOULDER SHOULDER BALLERINA RUN!!! while practicing. There's a lot of needless frolicking from place to place. There's also "the vogue", and something that reminds me of a early 20th century gold prospector checking out the Colorado River.

Also, guess who got a part "rapping"?



Berryz Koubou - Dakishimete Dakishimete. THERE ARE LASERS EVERYWHERE, WHAT ARE THEIR HANDS DOING?!?! It's probably the most difficult and interesting dance despite the fact the outfits are culture vomit. 2:54 is the best move and I look forward to showing it to my friends. I also like "punch the air" and "this building is on fire!"



Omakase Guardian - Guardians 4. If you can or can't tell it's a song for a children's anime that supposedly doesn't suck. That being said, the dance for the song features some strip club classics like everything that happens from 2:33 onward. There's also an unfortunate Hitler salute somewhere near the beginning. Also our outfits will have velcro on them, which is a new development. Apparently, after this song we're going to rip off the cloaks! Sounds age appropriate!

Debut Costumes! Kyaa DESU!~

In less than a month I will be on stage or across your bathroom floor in these very costumes! I assume this means we'll be performing Dakishimete Dakishimete, Omakase Guardian!, and Nanchatte Renai for sure.

Fun Fact: One of these idols is 14 years old, which means if I met her in the context I normally meet 14 year old girls I'd be filling out a CPS report.




I'll be curious about my ability to dance in this garb. You can't see them there, but the shoes are high heeled fuck me kitten boots with a platform. The bodice also looks really tight and not incredibly breathable. However,SMALL HAT.






From left to right I am completely fine with two, four, five, and six. I don't get why Maasa (far right) is wearing a Garland "window treatment", but I'll take it over two different color hiking boots. Even though these get ups are the most "every day" costuming options of the three things I will be wearing (I've seen the star tights at Forever 21), they are my least favorite. I'm not sure if this says something about me, but it probably does. However, LEATHER COLLARS.




No really.

Behind the Times.

So after exhibiting a lot of avoidant behaviors in relation to Nice Girl Project, I finally watched a THE Possible MV and was really impressed. I read some complaints about the choppy camera work, but I have no idea what these people are talking about, I think it's beautiful and the composition of the song isn't half bad either.





I guess I sort of see why fangirls are losing their shit for this bunch.

SUBTEXT IS MY LIFE.

Thanks for keeping the dream alive, ladies.

Happy Thursday!

I have no idea why someone tagged this "The Mind". Perhaps she's good at differential equations.

New Plans

A lot of new and exciting things have been happening for me in the last couple of months that might be of some interest to those excited about helping people, abortion (helping people), or Japanese moonspeak (possibly helping people).

I decided that I would go back to school in the evenings and part time after gaining acceptance to Texas A&M Commerce for the Masters in Social Work program. I absolutely love my job and do not want to leave the fast paced and glamourous world of abortion any time soon, but I have never been modest about the fact that as an adult I would like to be financially stable. For me financial stability means not owing a car payment, a student loan, a credit card bill, and being able to spend money on things I would like without wondering when I'll fall back into hardscrabble poverty. I feel like I've done too much with my life already and spent too long out of falling on hard times to rehash the past. I even feel silly sometimes when I bring it up, because how can I complain about what was then when now I have so much more than so many of my friends, people who I know, quite frankly, worked harder than me in college and deserve more recognition for their talents? This isn't a call for compliments, because I know that I have talent too and that I have been a hard worker in my own regard. Mostly I'm just pointing out, maybe only to myself, that for the last year and a half I've been a woman who pays the bills on time, gets her nails done and visits the gym, shops at the bougesois super market and hasn't had to work in retail or dining. I'm a professional. I'm not hard up or hard luck anymore. I may even be middle class.

I've been thinking some about dreams, careers, and realities with this decision. My dream would be to find a way to express myself and the things I need to say. Also, I suppose I would like to be paid for this endeavor. My career is to help people make decisions, so in a way I think that I help others express the ideas that they can't say, or don't know how to word. Even though this action occasionally brings up internal conversations about care, feminism, responsibility and the like, I still feel like I'm missing the outlet for classifying my own desires. In academia this outlet existed in some form, even if it wasn't a form that I could expend much energy on, but with my job, as wonderful as it is, the sorority of my coworkers is what largely helps me define what it is I want from this life.

My reality is that even though I'm excited about going back to school and learning new things, I'm going to get this degree in order to make more money. Point blank. I think there are alot of great things I can learn about counseling and systems and oppression from this degree and it will feel nice to have something to strive for again, but if I didn't know that with an MSW I can continue to pursue my work with the community I wouldn't be signing up for another three year tour. As for expressing the things I need to define and share, I don't know that I will ever see that as a career option. Writing is my strongest outlet and I know I'm no artist, but I also hate the process of writing. I prefer talking it out. Interrupting and questioning until I think I may have hit some nail on the head. But I think that if I have more money from my day job and can work less hours because of it, I can spend more time trying to create meaning, or at least figure out what the fuck this sound is in my head or how these compulsions in my heart are real or imagined. By the time it's over I might know whether or not I'm restless because I'm young, or if I'm simply restless.

On a much less serious note: I auditioned for a Japanese pop cover group and amazingly was chosen as a 4th generation member. My debut performance is in Ok City at an anime convention in October. I'm excited about getting to perform again. I haven't since I was in figure skating. We'll be performing Berryz Koubou's Dakishimete Dakishimete for our large stage and it will be a live sing. No, I haven't learned to sing. Supposedly someone will coach me on this when we start rehearsing.

I think autotune is popular in Japan too.

When there is merchandise I will post it here.

Until then here is this:



It's a fairly simple message that is probably pretty childish in the context of this song, but if I had to have a theme for 2009 it would probably be that.